The Fitness Fairy

The Fitness Fairy is a supernatural being. She divinely interprets your intentions for fitness and rewards you accordingly. If you really really want to achieve your goals, she knows this, and she will make sure you achieve them, regardless of your actions. For instance, if you try to make it to the gym but something comes up, the Fitness Fairy knows you tried! She divines your good intentions and gives your body the same great results. Similarly, if you go to the gym but don’t challenge yourself, the Fitness Fairy knows you went to the gym, and you get a lot of credit for just showing up at the gym–a lot!

She also completely understands all the reasons you can’t achieve what you want: your spouse, kids, job, lifestyle, wants, desires, nagging injuries, etc. She understands that if only one or two little things were different that you would achieve everything! Those things are outside your control anyway, and that’s not fair! So the Fitness Fairy helps you achieve what you want without having to make those difficult lifestyle choices and sacrifices. She understands that you want to be disciplined, but other things get in the way, and they’re not your fault. You shouldn’t be penalized for things that aren’t your fault, and the Fitness Fairy knows this. She understands and grants you results depending on your intentions and desires.

And she works on your diet too! She doesn’t expect you to be different from everyone else and not eat 35 chicken wings for time twice a week! She also knows that declining food that others bring into the office is extremely impolite, and the Fitness Fairy places a high value on politeness! So you can go ahead and snack on those fudge snickerdoodles without any worries about insulin response. Intentions are key. As long as you didn’t plan to eat badly when you awoke in the morning, the Fitness Fairy trims those extra calories. This way you can achieve all your goals without being any different from everyone else that achieves none of their goals.

But there’s a small problem: The Fitness Fairy doesn’t exist! However, you might be interested in a few other notable ladies: nature, physics, genetics, and physiology. And guess what, they are all cruel bitches. Each has her own set of rules that you have to play by—no exceptions. Unlike the Fitness Fairy, they don’t give a damn about your intentions. They don’t know your intentions, and they wouldn’t care if they did. They are all unfeeling, sociopathic sadists. However, unlike the Fitness Fairy, they can actually impact your fitness. Unfortunately, they reward you according to your actions, not intentions.  That’s all they care about: inputs and outputs.  And that’s the only thing that impacts your fitness: inputs and outputs.

Intentions and desires are irrelevant. Actions and results are the metrics by which we’re measured. There is no credit. No magic. No points. No game. Nobody to please, except yourself. There is only that which changes us and that which does not. If you want something, then go get it. Put in the required work and you will achieve it. But don’t think that intentions and desires will carry you even an inch towards it. Those are the tools of the Fitness Fairy, and she doesn’t exist. She never has. And if she did, I’d have killed her by now.

-Jeff